Saturday, January 20, 2007

Second Guessing God

I quit my job as a florist back in July after a bad arthritis flare up in my knees. At the time, I knew God was definitely speaking to me about a leap of faith into full time writing.

Though there was no question in my mind about my decision since God had been dealing with me about it for a long time, my husband didn't share my certainty. He was concerned about how the sudden loss of additional finances would affect our lives. But in the months that followed, God continued to provide amply, without my added income.

Then in October, a part time job dropped into my lap as a receptionist at a local nursing home. I wasn't looking for it - it just happened. It was only two evenings per week, Monday and Friday, alternating with Saturday and Sunday afternoons.

I prayed about the offer and didn't really get any answers about taking the job. I felt an unspoken pressure from my hubby that I should take it. Even my new employer repeatedly assured me I could bring my writing to work and do whatever I wanted when my other work was completed.

It turns out that there wasn't much to do at the nursing home. Between phone calls and light office work, there was plenty of time to write. Imagine! Getting paid to answer phones and write in between!

But there's something missing. There's no joy. Whenever it is time to go to work, I feel anxious. I've already missed several church functions as well as family things because of the schedule .
I assumed because I had no direct answer from God that this job was a gift from Him and I should take it. Now I'm not so sure. I get the feeling I somehow missed the mark by going back to work. Yes I have time to write, but at what cost?

They are training me to do more each week with plans to change my job title from receptionist to ward clerk. There will be less and less time to write. And what happens if I have an opportunity to speak somewhere that conflicts with the schedule?

What it all boils down to is that I may have jumped the gun...again. I tried to control my world without really listening to what God was saying (or not saying.) So I am back on my arthritic knees, seeking the face of God once more. The time is past for second guessing!

Dear Lord, once again I relinquish control of my life. No more second guessing what You have for me. I'm ready to hear and obey!

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